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It's a brave new world. In a remarkable chain of events, Coles Express Service Stations (Shell, to most) have released a new coffee machine blend that service station punters of affluent eastern suburbs will be able to get their grubby mits on as of July 1st.
My Kind of Weird has been able to attain a recent email communication from an unnamed source which explicitly spells out the name of the brand new blend. Entitled 'Gold Reserve Express,' this brand new blend, available soon to Coles Express Service Stations, is expected to drive a whole new class of coffee drinkers in the more affluent suburbs to filling up at a Coles Pump and paying $7.50 for a small cuppa. $13.00 for a medium. $18.50 for a large.
With an upcoming advertising campaign planned which will boast:
"Specks of Gold are included as one of the many ingredients in this new blend."
"Coles: Gold Reserve Express."
"You are what you drink."
Unfortunately, for Coles, this email correspondence has been shared around the office with a General Manager admitting in the email chain:
"Let's hope these stupid bastards queue up for this sanctimonious poo water. $7.50? Haha. Gotta be laughing. They'll pay anything if it looks exclusive. Fuckin' shepple."
Adding insult to injury, a screenshot of the email has been shared on a random twitter account with the post nearing 1.5 million views. With one user, Solom0n, recent immigrant and Auburn resident saying:
"Hey! If it tastes good then who gives a fuck what's in it? YOLO, am I right?"
Who still uses the acronym YOLO is anyone's guess. We've reached out to Coles but they've declined to make a statement and, as far as we can tell, the planned advertising campaign isn't expected to run.
We'll keep you up to date on more Sanctimonious Poo Water news as it develops.
