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Red Sonja vs The Army of Darkness #2 – Chainsaws, Guts & Unicorn Carnage
- The Curator
- 1 day ago
- 4 min read
Red Sonja's Blood in the Dirt, Ash's Chainsaw in the Wind
The crimson tide rises quick as Red Sonja and Ash find themselves ankle-deep in Deadite-possessed villagers. Sonja — more steel than skin — pleads for mercy, hoping these flesh puppets can still be saved. Ash? Nah, he’s seen this movie before. Only the Necronomicon’s dark mojo can undo this mess. With no other options, they turn — back to back — and paint the town red. Ash’s chainsaw whirrs like a demonic lullaby, tearing through meat and bone. Sonja’s blade dances through torsos like a ballerina on bath salts.
It’s a double-page blood opera — limbs flying, guts flailing, skulls popping like party balloons. But mid-carnage epiphany hits: Ash's time-traveling portal overshot the target by a lot — we’re talking tens of thousands of years B.C., baby.
Intestine Eels and Hero Hangovers
Before Ash can adjust his internal calendar, his chainsaw lodges deep in a Deadite’s gut. He’s yanked to the ground, still gripping the saw, as the creature’s torso splits like rotten fruit. And then — boom — its intestines spring to life like a cursed, meat-covered eel straight outta Hell’s sushi bar, slithering toward Ash’s mouth with malicious intent. Just before it throat-hugs him to death, Sonja slices the Deadite’s head in half, halting the intestine horror show instantly.
Ash, panting and covered in filth, watches in a mixture of awe, terror, and maybe lust as Sonja demolishes the rest of the undead horde like it’s just leg day. As she mounts her horse, intent on leaving the boomstick buffoon behind, Ash pleads his case—he’s the only guy with a PhD in Necronomicon. He babbles, slips into gibberish, then promptly knocks himself out cold with his own chainsaw. Classic Ash.
The Queen Beneath the Mask
Elsewhere, Ditea — who’s not Ditea at all — strips off her disguise to reveal she’s Vassilisa, Queen of Ice and Blood. Holding the Necronomicon like a snake charmer to her cursed lover, she runs her fingers over its leathery flesh cover like it’s whispering secrets. But dark power answers. Her horse is suddenly cleaved in two by some unseen horror, and the book’s malevolence tries to worm its way inside her soul. She holds strong — barely — as Kulan Gath watches her spiritual wrestling match from his magic cauldron like the world's creepiest livestreamer.
Deadite Unicorns and Flaming Body Spray
Smash cut to the Gilded Pony Inn. Ash wakes to a mug of unicorn-water mead and a hangover from Hell. Sonja feeds him a line about the magical creature nearby. He laughs. He drinks. She leaves — to “wash off” — but really to ghost him. Outside, a young stable hand is brutally eviscerated by an invisible force. Sonja retreats inside, slamming the door, only for a goddamn unicorn horn to skewer a random patron through the wall. And then it arrives — a Deadite-possessed unicorn, frothing with demon juice and hate.
Patrons scatter. Too slow. The unicorn spears two on its horn and bites the bartender’s face clean off. Ash revs up the chainsaw, but this ain’t your average evil steed. He gets launched across the tavern like demon confetti. Sonja calls out his "screaming sword" as worthless and mounts the beast, briefly gaining the upper hand — until a second head bursts from the unicorn’s side and latches onto her arm like a gnashing nightmare.
Ash, thinking fast and smelling worse, lights up a can of body spray and turns it into a napalm cocktail with a log from the fire. Boom. Fireball to the demon horse’s face. Scene ends in flames and fumes.
The Puppetmaster Plots
Meanwhile, General Lanse gets a war room update from Cepheron — who, spoiler alert, is Kulan Gath in disguise. Sonja’s “failed,” he lies, and some random time-traveling lunatic is mucking up the plan. Gath, ever the drama queen, stalls for time while letting the kingdoms of Cimmeria and Aquilonia walk straight into the meat grinder.
Red Sonja and Ash Agree to Team-Up... Finally!
Sunrise. The Gilded Pony is now a charred unicorn graveyard. Sonja, begrudgingly impressed, admits she might need Ash’s Deadite expertise after all. Ash, predictably, gets horny and brings up that old rumor about besting her in battle for a chance to share her bed. Sonja’s reply? “Only if you smelled good.” Burn.
Ash tries to spritz himself with his trusty body spray — empty. Defeated but undeterred, he tosses it aside, hops on his horse, and follows her into the next chapter of blood, magic, and demon-slaying romance.
Final Verdict: A Blood-Slicked Buddy Comedy Drenched in Gore and Groan-Worthy One-Liners
Red Sonja vs. Army of Darkness #2 isn’t here to reinvent the wheel — it’s here to crush that wheel under a flaming unicorn carcass while Ash and Sonja argue about deodorant and demons. It’s dumb, it’s loud, it’s glorious.
The script leans into every over-the-top trope like it owes Sam Raimi money. Between intestine-eel throat attacks, flaming body spray bombs, and unicorns with a thirst for face meat, this issue is a frenetic gore opera that plays like Heavy Metal Magazine on a meth bender.
If you came here for subtlety, go home. Red Sonja’s sword cuts deep, Ash’s chainsaw bites hard, and the book itself rips into every page like it’s possessed. The tone walks a tightrope between grindhouse horror and slapstick fantasy, and somehow never falls off. Add in an evil sorcerer puppeteering a war from the shadows and a queen stroking the Necronomicon like it’s a cursed Tinder date? Yeah, this issue slaps.
If you came for subtlety, go home. If you came for grindhouse mayhem, demon horses, and a red-haired warrior goddess dropkicking the undead into oblivion, then saddle up. This bloodbath is only just beginning.
Rating: 9/10 cursed unicorn skulls.