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Swords, Chainsaws & Deadites: Red Sonja vs The Army of Darkness #1 Kicks Off a Bloody, Time-Twisted Showdown
- The Curator
- 4 days ago
- 3 min read
Red Sonja vs The Army of Darkness #1 – Chainsaws, Sorcery & the Saddest Pick-Up Line in Hyboria
Ash Williams has seen better days. Grizzled, greying, and drinking alone in a bar that smells like regret and urinal cakes, our boomstick hero is mid-monologue—spilling war stories to a girl half his age and twice his sense. He rants about time travel, the undead, and how he totally could’ve been a king (with a queen!) if he hadn’t hit snooze for a thousand years in a stone tomb. His grand finale? The ultimate pick-up line: “Be my queen.” Spoiler: it bombs. Her boyfriend swoops in. Ash is left sipping bottom-shelf bourbon and nursing wounds far older than his liver.
Cue the sad stumble home. Ash, now marinating in melancholy, flips through a dusty history book and bam — there she is. Sheila. The medieval chick he left behind. And right next to her? A sketch of some flame-haired murder goddess attacking her. Yep —Red Sonja. And because alcohol plus regret equals terrible ideas, Ash dusts off the Necronomicon, chants those cursed syllables, and opens yet another interdimensional hellgate. Who needs therapy when you’ve got dark magic and trauma?
Welcome to the Hyborian Age: Population — Sword-Wielding Badasses and Cult-Spawned Abominations
We shift gears — and centuries. Red Sonja is busy making mincemeat of the General Lanses’ private army, casually dismembering fools like she’s late for a blood ritual. The general — your typical blowhard warlord with a beer gut and delusions of grandeur — offers her a mission: wipe out the evil plaguing the garrison at Kon Dir, and he’ll pay her weight in gold. He even throws in a “guide” — a soft-skinned, perfume-soaked slave girl named Ditea, who just so happens to be Cimmerian. Yes, that kind of Cimmerian.
Sonja takes the job. Together they ride westward, toward dread and destiny, while Ditea clings to her waist like a doe-eyed captive from a fantasy paperback. Along the road, they encounter wastelands crawling with brigands, rotting monsters, and the kind of danger that chews up side characters for breakfast.
When Boomstick Meets Broadsword: Ash vs. Sonja, Round One
They reach Kon Dir. Sonja, being the climbing-and-killing type, scales the castle walls — only to be blindsided by Ash freakin’ Williams falling out of nowhere like a time-traveling anvil. What follows is a clash for the ages: steel versus chainsaw. Swordplay versus smart-assery. Sonja takes the upper hand — literally stabbing through Ash’s mechanical mitt with zero hesitation — before the whole fight gets sucker-punched by a sudden crowd of possessed villagers. Deadites, baby.
Ash regains consciousness, yells about Castle Kandar and England, then realizes he’s not in Kansas anymore. Or England. Or even his own franchise. Nope — he’s landed in the Hyborean Age, where Conan’s gym playlist is made of screams and Sonja doesn’t tolerate time-traveling weirdos with chainsaws for hands.
Twists, Turns & Witchy Women
As Sonja and Ash bicker mid-battle, Ditea slips away— Necronomicon in hand — and gallops off into the mist. And just when you think this can’t get any messier, it’s revealed that the mild-mannered advisor Cepheron is actually Kulan Gath, the OG sorcerous psychopath with a mirror fetish and a penchant for mass possession.
That’s right, the Deadites are here, villagers are possessed — and Ash has crash-landed in a dimension where sword-wielding warrior women don’t give a flying phoenix feather about his chainsaw game.
Final Verdict?
Red Sonja vs. The Army of Darkness #1 is everything your deranged, pulp-loving, monster-mashing heart could want. It’s time travel wrapped in entrails. It’s slapstick soaked in sorcery. It’s two genre titans throwing down in a sandbox full of blood, betrayal, and possibly more undead. And it sets the stage for a crossover that feels less like a gimmick and more like a glorious B-movie love letter to comics, cult classics, and chaos.
Chainsaws. Swords. Sorcery.
And a possessed village thrown in for good measure.
Get in, loser. We’re going monster hunting.
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